Okay, so first off, if you have no idea what I’m doing, neither do I. If you want a bit more background on what’s going on, I stumbled on this really cool idea over on twitter, which led me to a search for an alternative.
What the crap is Blogger Blitz and why is it in this space? Because it’s related to gaming it’ll chill over here. Blogger Blitz itself is the brainchild of Robert Shepard from https://adventurerules.blog.
Finally, if you’re curious about the events of round one, they’re outlined here.
Let’s get this party started!
As a minor aside, this post was prepared prior to Teri Mae joining the competition but fortunately this particular challenge I felt was more focused on overcoming the specific scenario of the match rather my ‘opponent’. I’ve made one adjustment to the original (where the crate goes at the very end) but that is all.
In a competition where bloggers submit blog posts about their favorite characters for a panel of judges to determine which is the best, they’ll be challenged to write a blog post about their favorite character writing a blog post. Then the post within the post will be judged by the judges to determine which blogger wins, which by extension will determine which blogger wins. What? As if that’s not complicated enough, each villain has been sent a nefarious “helper” by their rivals – a three-headed monkey! The monkey does all the typing for them, so how can each villain use their abilities to influence the monkey to write rightly? It’s the blogger blitz within the Blogger Blitz – it’s Blogger Blitzception!
Blogger Blitz has always been an unusual mess of breaking the fourth wall and establishing a weird sort of meta-awareness of being in a blogging competition, so why not take it to thoroughly ridiculous levels with a whole event about blogging for a competition? Only this time, each competitor is stuck with an unhelpful three-headed monkey who tries to do all the typing for them. All powers are legal to try and influence the monkey to write a coherent post, but remember you’ve got three times the annoying chittering to deal with and while you might be able to get one head under control, drawing all three at once will be a serious challenge.
“I still don’t understand how writing a ‘blog’ would bring about the end of the Maverick Hunters,” Sigma commented to a recently reconstructed Vile.
The other Maverick shrugged as they stared at the crate with ‘ventilation holes’ in front of them.
“How do you interface with an organic three-headed simian?”
Vile shrugged again.
Sigma looked through one of the ‘air holes’ of the fleshy beast’s container and saw the thing in all its terrible glory.
While the beast was clearly designed after a similar humanoid fashion to Sigma’s own creators, this thing was also evidently born from the nightmares of another dimension’s. It resembled a standard ape that once probably resided on his present Earth, but it also consisted of two additional heads.
He waved at Vile in dismissal and the Maverick quickly fled the laboratory.
“How do you interface?” Sigma inquired.
Six eyes stared back at him with perhaps a hint of intelligence but he thought he saw something more primal in their emptiness.
The left head tilted, as though considering the question, the center screeched a response, causing Sigma’s audio filters to auto adjust momentarily while the right was too distracted picking its nose to acknowledge that it was being addressed at all.
“Interface!” Sigma screeched in response to the creature, which inspired all three to join in the center’s cacophony.
Backing away he reviewed the lab’s contents.
Looking at one of the terminals nearby he interfaced with it wirelessly with a simple glance and began sorting through his files.
Cyber Peacock’s networking capabilities… mixed with remnants of Soldier Stonekong – the ape Maverick – times three, Sigma reminded himself.
The laboratory came to life as Sigma concentrated, moving parts, assembling equipment, rearranging, and running circuit tests. The smell of welding was noted by his olfactory sensors while his optical ones immediately shifted spectrums to protect themselves from the changes in light.
Time passes differently for machines that can transfer their consciousnesses. Their sense of self does not rest within a single shell. With that being said, it was nevertheless disorienting at first as Sigma viewed the world around him with three pairs of optical inputs rather than one. Splitting his central processing between three bodies was distracting, he found he was moving slower than expected, but understood that the lower speed was only momentary for the first part of his plan would be quick.
Three heads, three bodies, three helmets.
In each set of hands rested a single neural link helmet. If he could not interface with the beast, he would force the beast to interface with him!
Turning the devices on, he approached the crate and thrust the helmets onto the heads of the ape. It momentarily screeched in protest, scratching at his metal arms which registered minor damage. If these shells were to be used in the future, he’d have been disappointed at the need for repair, but these were husks. Robotic servants unadorned with color, fashioned together with spare parts for a singular purpose. They were meant to be damaged while his prime body attached a helmet to the central head.
Depressing the activation switch on all three helmets simultaneously, he watched in satisfaction as the ape’s body settled and the fire in its eyes cooled. He had successfully connected its consciousness to the Network.
Sigma logged into the network as well and paused for a moment.
The simian was, well, it was throwing something. He knew it shouldn’t be capable of generating any sort of substance in the virtual space.
Why were his olfactory senses from the outside being tainted by such an awful smell?
He made a note to check on that later as he turned off more receptors.
Making the sound of clearing his throat (such an antiquated action!) he addressed the beast, “We are to work together to submit a written statement against the Maverick Hunters to reassure my forces that the latest defeat was merely a setback.”
It screeched unhelpfully in response.
“Are you in need of sustenance for your organic materials?”
One head shrieked, another was staring off into the distance while the third was licking the keyboard Sigma had supplied in the digital space.
While this creature was clearly humanoid, he… yes, it’s actions confirmed the beast was male as he proceeded to generate a leak.
Why were his physical feet now damp outside of the Network? He’ll have to check on that later.
While the creature was clearly humanoid it was not familiar with the keyboard interface.
“Perhaps a touch screen?”
He generated a variety smaller handheld devices until finally receiving the following response. Through trial and error he discovered that helping start the sentence provided useful results:
To defeat the Mavericks we most certainly are not going anywhere else in this world to be done so I can mow tomorrow and get a time out and I have a spare now for the luck and I can not get a call from a driver’s license to get the class to be in a different location for the company and I have to do as much of the elegato software and the price of it was a simple and simple one that was a great job.
Sigma read the interface results and sighed, reading the file on what device he had summoned to finally get a result.
“FlameFlash’s phone of 2018?”
Leaving the simian to the device he logged out of the Network, finding his feet covered with an organic mixture that he chose not to scan to identify.
As he reviewed the creature’s output the simian squawked, somehow having been successful in removing its helmets and grinned at Sigma.
“I appreciate your assistance in this matter, we will endeavor to discover what the ‘elegato software’ is and weaponize it. I will ensure you are… fed… and then forwarded to…” he looks at the clipboard on the crate, “An entity known as Ganondorf?”
He squelched through his lab and went in search of ‘the elegato.’